Etiology

I do not know what causes autism. I have a theory. I think some individuals, for whatever reason, are predisposed to the disorder and that environmental factors act as triggers that “turn on” the disorder and “turn off” developmental progress. I wonder if different individuals have different environmental triggers that then produce various deficiencies, etc. It all seems like such a mystery to me. When Madelyn was born, she was the most beautiful baby. I could look at her all day. Inside, however, as her nervous system developed and her information receivers were being built, not all the wiring connected to its proper place. I think of putting together furniture from IKEA and getting to the end with several extra nuts, bolts and random pieces…the bed looks right from the outside, so you cast off the extras. Then, later that night after you wind up on the floor, you’re digging through the trash hoping you can figure out where those pieces go. You want to fix it. You do not want to sleep on the floor; you want the bed you thought you brought home. I digress. I hope you caught all the subtle or not so subtle nuances of my metaphor.

While Madelyn was a beautiful infant to look at, she was not very fond of cuddling close and did not tolerate any breast-feeding positions. The closer I would hold her, the louder she would scream. I remember sobbing, wondering why I couldn’t figure out how to calm her and feed her. Madelyn taught me that I could hold her at a distance and she was especially fond of lying in my lap. When she was asleep I would hold her closer, stroke her face, smell her skin and soak in her presence and attempt to fully embrace her, showing her love in a way she couldn’t accept while awake.

I think about growing up and transitioning into different life stages. I was born, predisposed perhaps, to certain temptations or pitfalls and environmental factors acted as triggers that “turned on” my spiritual autism. I think of the years that God must have been trying to pull me close while I screamed. I wonder if He held me and embraced me as I slept.

I don’t think I met the full criteria for spiritual autism until I was 14 or 15 years old. From 15 years old until I was about 31 years old, I lived with an undiagnosed spiritual pervasive developmental disorder, which I now call Spiritual Autism. I am still Spiritually Autistic. However, my daughter is teaching me spiritual life skills, like love, forgiveness, acceptance and dependence.

I pray that today I will remember to use my spiritual life skills.