I am that Mother

I am that Mother. The mother of the child people pray they will not have. I think about that sometimes...
At times, I desperately grieve the child that died when Madelyn's autism was born. I have a daily reminder of the child that passed away. She continually slips through my fingers.

Other days are filled with routine and I live the life that is before me without pondering what could have been or what is, I just do.

Then there are precious moments (at times whole days) when Madelyn's purposeful presence in my life is clearer than anything else I know. I am reminded of my relationship with God. I always love and have faith in the Trinity. However, I do not always draw close to them. I do not always allow them to influence me. I believe my stubbornness is at least partly responsible for the people God has placed in my life. I have this daily reminder of how unlike Christ I am.

On those days when I allow myself to be changed by Madelyn, I feel a greater peace and understanding of love than I believe other people (without a Madelyn) can ever grasp. My salvation relies on Jesus but it is nonetheless forever intertwined in my relationship with my little girl.

I think we all have someone or something that we continually struggle with in our daily attempt to love like Jesus. We choose moment by moment whether we will act human or as God. To be human is to act through and depend upon God. To act as God is to do things of our own volition (control). I am thankful that God loves me enough to remind me daily that I am human. I pray that I will choose to see His reminder. For as I fully rely on His love, compassion, patience and wisdom...I am offered glimpses of a world turned upside down and I am not afraid.